The Guide to 40's

Michael Kevin Farrell
January 14, 2002

It is with great pleasure that Sensei Horo-chan, myself, and Mr. Zia(hereafter referred to as 'The Lowbrow Gourmet'), do proudly submit this Guide to 40s. This guide is a unique blend of suburban white folk meeting African American culture (kind of like Huck Finn, except not).

Haffenreffer (Private Stock)
Mike says- Good Lord! If this is the private stock, I don't even want to know what the Public Stock is like... To its credit, it is one of the cheaper 40s (I found it for under $1.50). And, the aftertaste is not that bad... If I were really drunk, I would actually reach for Haffenreffer and it would taste good. And that, friends, is the true test of a 40.

Lowbrow Gourmet says- I especially appreciate the "Imported Flavor" - you just can't beat something bottled in the good ol' U. S. A. for the lowest budget. The price of the this is not too much more expensive than generic bottle water, and the flavor shows. It's a bitch's brew of bitter, swampy flavor bottled into a 40oz container, which I think exceeds the USDA's daily recommended dose of ass.

Steve says - I was really disappointed with this one folks. I had just gotten back from spending Christmas with my family: I got my brother a bottle of Captain Morgan Private Stock Rum. That stuff was good. This wasn't. There was kind of a fruity flavor at the beginning which was drowned out by the aftertaste: a unique blend of sweaty socks and that taste you get when you suck on a nickel. I could see how this would be good if you were already drunk, though.

Olde English 800
Mike says - I love the way they add an 'e' to "Old" to make it look all cultured and stuff. I'm not sure where the 800 comes from, but I think Olde English 800 (or, more commonly known simply as 'OE') wins the award for the best name ever for malt liquor. I once drank 80 ounces of this stuff, and after the 54th ounce, it tasted AMAZING. Out of all of the malt liquors, I think this one is king. (not to be mixed with Goldschlager, as Steve can attest to).

Lowbrow Gourmet says - Not just the extra "e" but a genuine effort was put in to make the label more presentable. But you should never judge a 40 by its label: show some class and drink this stuff with the label peeled off, this way the content will truely fit the bottle.

Steve says - The "e" at the end is like putting an extra "pe" at the end of "Porn Shop": it still doesn't give it any class. Not a bad taste, though, overall. Just don't EVER(!!!!!!!) mix it with Goldschlager. Not a pretty scene. I slept for 9.5 hours and was still drunk when I woke up. I guess it got the job done, though, and in the end that's all that matters.

Colt 45
Mike says - OK, this one EASILY wins best advertising campaign of any product in the history of mankind. Who can resist Billy Dee William's smirking face? And the slogan "Colt 45 - works every time," is especially well-tailored to the male psyche. I keep drinking these with the hope that I'll one day look like Billy Dee himself, but alas, it never pans out.... I also get a kick out of the fact that some of their bottles contain forty-FIVE ounces of malt liquor... they go that extra mile to 'get your jimmy thicker, and your woman in the mood quicker.' Taste wise, I put it a shade under Olde English 800, which means it is actually drinkable.

Lowbrow Gourmet says - This is definitely drinkable. Unlike other 40's, this one actually has a clean, crisp taste. It is still not spectacular, but at least you have a straight flavor that does not taste like some jumble of brackish water and old beer. I have to say that having Billy Dee WIlliams as spokesperson is a great selling point. I think my hair has grown thicker since the first time I tasted Colt 45, and am now fully expecting the Billy Dee afro to kick in any day now. Without a doubt, leading the pack not just in size but in flavor as well.

Steve says - All the charm of my man Billy Dee, liquified and bottled. Can life get any better? Yes!! How about selling the 45ers in six packs?

Steel Reserve 211
Mike says: The other 40s make you wish you didn't have tastebuds - this one makes you wish you were dead. Steve, Zia and I actually had to check the ingredients to make sure this 'beverage' was not made of urine. This brand of malt liquor owns the dubious distinction of being the only 40 I couldn't finish (hell, I barely got past the first sip)... Apparently, 211 was the medireview symbol for Steel...not sure why this is relevant. I think 211 was probably the medieval symbol for the plague.

Lowbrow Gourmet says- I believe 211 pronounced differently actually stands for "foul urine water" in some ancient tradition, but that is in the tongue of Mordor, which I shall not mutter here. Unbelievably, they actually advertise the fact that they use twice the ingredients of normal quality beers. This swill is the bottom of the barrell bad stuff, buy this on Labor Day for your local homeless as an act of charity.

Steve says - Umm . . . yeah. If Mike had played a trick on us and switched the contents of this can with his own urine, I think I'd probably give it a higher rating. Absolutely, 100% undrinkable. And that's coming from a certified alcoholic. Whoever came up with this recipe should be slow and painfully tortured to death; preferably by making him (or her!) drink his (or her!) own product.